“A Witch Like Me”. – Chapter One: Jawbone by P.M. Kumalo (a boldPIGEON presentation)

A Witch Like Meby P.M. Kumalojawbone 

Click to view the video trailer.

Chapter 1: Jawbone 

OGRE

Children are the best. They are innocent before you

ruin them with you rules, your ‘culture’! They are

the tastiest! (He laughs menacingly). Then it’s the old

surprisingly, they have the honesty of youth but with

the wisdom of age. They know which of society’s rules

are good and which are just bullshit! They can tell you

if what you doing is just stupid, dangerous, or ruinous.

A horny lot too! But, you never know not here, not like

the old days.

 

A heavy forearm emerges from the folds of the coat and thick brick like fingers stir the pot. He takes as second serving spoon but in his hands it’s the size of a teaspoon and pours the broth from the ladle into the serving spoon. He sips it and through the darkness nods approvingly. He tends the fire in the fireplace with a vintage and ornate iron poker. The flames roar approvingly.

 

ORGE

I hate it when those filthy TV chefs taste directly from the

The ladle they will serve you with! Disgusting! This

however might be my best broth in a while. (He shakes in a large cylindrical

packet of salt into the cauldron)

Now where was I?

 

WITCH

You were talking about the old…

 

OGRE

Ah yes. Don’t bother struggling that chain was forged

from the same shooting star that gave the world

the sword you know as Excalibur! That is old magic!

Why do they send them so young to meet their end? Let me

guess some strange old man or woman which was it?

 

WITCH

A ..woman.

 

OGRE

Ah the question in your tone tells me it must be

An Obfuscate, sometimes looking like a man, other

times like a woman? (He laughs)

Ah they bring them young to die. Usually around

Puberty or young adulthood; you were a bit of an

outcast and this ‘woman’ told you, you had a special

destiny right? You are go to on a quest and recover

some magical objects right? You want this right?

 

He holds out an old battle axe with markings reeking, age, high learning, mystery and culture.

 

OGRE

This is from the jaw bone of an animal now extinct.

This edge is not gold it’s a metal that found nowhere

Except the little valley in the

Congo; where I killed the miner, oh five thousand

years ago… It can cut anything! I don’t even

remember the name of it now.

 

The Ogre leans forward into the light and we can see he has a thick browridge, deep intense eyes a broad nose, and a projecting chin. He is heavily built like an old time strong man from faded pictures from the early 20th century. His muscles do work, they are not for show. Where it not for the modern rags he wore he would look like an archaic homo sapien or a Neanderthal from a display at the Museum of Natural History.

The witch gasps.

 

OGRE

Yes. How old did you think we are? You have

no idea who you are fucking with.

 

Now his shape changes and he enlarges and the loose rags become tight fitting and his face takes on a demonic simian mien. His shadow now dominates the hotel room. His voice takes on an accent she has never heard before.

 

OGRE

We have been here since the world was sung

into existence! Since the Spirit walked over

the Earth and made it so! Since your Sky Father chose

you and your pathetic naked ape kind to rule!

Since you started to infect this place and shit on

everything! (Spittle flies from his mouth)

 

He collects himself and returns to his Neanderthal form breathing heavily!

 

WITCH

I had no idea (She starts to cry). I am sorry

but you killed those girls!

 

OGRE

So what! Where you going to take them into

you home? Were you going to wait while they

detoxed, for the ninth, tenth, eleventh time!

Were you going to out your fathers and brothers

who got their rocks of the backseat of your “SUVs”

with a drug addled teenager from up north! No!

You hypocrites! In the old days these things never

would have happened! Everybody knew everyone’s

business for good or ill! Do you know how many

of your filthy boy lovers and pederasts I have

stewed in my time? I was doing you a favour! Now

this Obfuscate comes to end me with you? A teenage witch!

 

WITCH

Tabitha was eleven and she was a kid! You killed

her!

 

OGRE

I told you children are the best; then old people,

then youth and finally the regular people. I can

Taste their jobs on their flesh; amourer, blacksmith

whore, milkmaid, carpenter, seamstress, millwright,

plumber, Head shop owner, shaman, priest, monk, imam,

Sheppard, goatherd, pilot, musician, troubadours, model

not much mean on them these days. Actors, milliners

haberdasheries, peace officers, knights, pages,

senators, gladiators, pyramid builders and worst of

all politicians, well the bad ones anyways!

And now you!

 

He suddenly grabs her by the throat and his meaty hand covers her mouth! The force nearly knocks her over!

 

ORGE

Don’t whisper in my presence! If you do it again

I will sew your mouth shut!

 

She nods. He sets her down.

 

OGRE

Time will come soon enough for you to die.

It doesn’t have to be too painful! Why oh

Why do they send you her. The Wizards and

Witches, Seers and Dabblers? I’ll tell you why

Because they are afraid! They cannot contain the

Magic they know. At some point the good ones

get to be too strong for their own good. Why does

your Obfuscate wear so many belts and bracelets?

To contain the power! Same as your wedding rings

Its supposed to keep the love encircled. Love is

more powerful than you can imagine. Wait

why are you wearing a belt!

 

Suddenly the Ogre leaps forward just as the belt from the witches’ waist leaps forward in the form of a snake. With his mighty axe he tries to slice the snake but misses. The snake now ramrod straight bites him in the eye!

 

The Ogre lets out a mighty yell and he rips out the snake taking his eye with it! He tosses the snake on the ground and slices it with the battle axe. The room of the actually shakes and sends up a puffs of dust from the furniture draped in a muddy grey covered cloths. The chair bound witch falls over.

 

ORGE

You wench I will eat you alive! You will

take days to die!

 

The Witch whispers, quickly and intently as the Ogre looms over her. She is looking at the fire.

 

OGRE

Heads or tails?(ha-ha)

 

He brings the axe over head and makes to cut her waist. Suddenly a red hot poker pierces the Ogre’s chest! Red, almost purple blood spouts out of the wound and spills on the floor; rotting the wood. He looks incredulously at the young Witch.

 

WITCH

I prefer poker!

 

OGRE

Ha, ha, very funny….

 

He falls over and dies his body weight cracking the floor boards.

The witch breaths a sign or relief, and whispers a spell to undo the chains. It doesn’t work.

 

AUNT DANICE

Perhaps this key will work.

 

The witch looks to and sees the Obfuscate, looking approvingly at her. She European woman, she still has the look of vitality and you get the sense she likes herself still. Despite the hour she has her makeup on and her long grey hair combed neatly and held back by a headband. Her sweater top dark blouse and pencil skirt are accented by several silver and gold rings and she wear two belts at jaunty angles.

The young witch is glad to see hear.

 

 

INT. TOM SUTTON’S COFFEE SHOP-NIGHT

The franchise coffee shop is decorated in a mildly inoffensive brown and cream colour scheme. The waitresses behind the counter, four of them; women, range the gamut from an eager teenager, to a single mother weathered by cigarettes an disappointments, a sedate university student, with a well worn copy of the latest Twilight book in her back pocket and the middle aged assistant manager who looks like everyone’s mom and no ones at the same time.

There is a glut of young clientele right now undoubtedly killing time until the late show across the parking lot begins.

 

AUNT DANICE

Boy I love the rhubarb pie here. Of course I knew

the original baker of the pie…

 

YOUNG WITCH (Interrupting)

Let me guess, with the Flintstones or was it with

Cleopatra’s chef’s cousin!

 

AUNT DANICE

Sarcasm is the last refuge of a weak mind.

 

YOUNG WITCH

Then pass me the dunce cap.

 

AUNT DANNICE

Clever, most people these days don’t know what

that is. What is it? The Ogre?

 

YOUNG WITCH

Yah think?

 

AUNT DANICE

Listen child! I am not your weakling mother!

You will speak to me with respect! Don’t make

me take off my rings because then I will bring the

the pain! Hear me!

 

Here eyes flash with anger and a stern malevolence, like teacher who has had enough from an unruly class.

 

YOUNG WITCH

Yes.

 

AUNT DANICE

Now there are two types of respect; the type that

is given because someone is older or more experienced

and the type you earn through acts that merit

respect. I would like to think I have earned

both from you. I respect you so please respect

me, Jordan. Is that fair Miss Bonkhe?

 

JORDAN BONKHE/YOUNG WITCH

Yes. Aunt Danice.

 

AUNT DANICE

Now have your Tom Poms and I promise by the last

one you will feel great!

 

Jordan looks down at the box full of ball shaped donuts between them. Cheerleaders with confectionary shaped pompoms cheer on the football player Tom Sutton in an idealized portrait from his playing days. She takes one of the raisin encrusted ones and chases it with chai.

 

JORDAN BONKHE

Like Jack Burton and Wang Chi great?

 

AUNT DANICE

Well yes but probably more like Wang Chi.

 

EXT/INT. TOM SUTTON COFEE SHOP-NIGHT

The youthful patrons have emptied the Coffee shop by now. The eager teen waitress is chatting with the young mother by the take out window. The university student is manning the till while sneaking looks at latest page of her book. The Assistant manager is making her rounds clearing the tables of old newspapers and crockery.

 

AUNT DANICE

Look at the sign?

 

The witch turns to see a help wanted sign. It reads: Needed Servers for Night shift. Ask for applications at the front counter.

 

JORDAN

Yeah what’s wrong with it?

 

AUNT DANICE

A server? What is that? I mean do they serve a cause

or do they clean Apollo’s stables? Do they attend

the Queen of Lapta or Kings of Torumekia? That is the

problem with language today; no precision. What is

wrong with waitress?

 

JORDAN

I guess they don’t want to offend anyone, you know.

 

AUNT DANICE

The thing is no I don’t know. Why is a manhunt

okay but chairwoman is verboten? Miss is okay

but somehow Mrs. is bad these days. Last time

I checked most men cowered before their wives

I should know I have been both!

 

JORDAN

Wow that was really too much information.

Well everybody has to be included you know.

Everyone is special.

 

AUNT DANICE

Ha! You mean girls like your nemesis Cathy

Cirko. You should have seen her ancestor.

Cir means boil in Croatian! She was hideous.

 

JORDAN

Yeah but I can’t say ‘oh yeah at least my name

doesn’t mean boil in Croatian!’ She’d say

Thanks “Dickipedia nerd!’ I mean ‘Cirko the

Jerko?’ That kind of roles off the tongue

but she’s “perfect” have you seen her?

Of course you have.

 

AUNT DANICE

Actually she is not ‘perfect’, her cousin who lives with

her family and is in the seminary lusts after her.

Oh, she drops E occasionally when she goes

clubbing. If she doesn’t get help soon it she could

end up being a crack whore in the future.

Literally.

 

JORDAN

How did you know? Let me guess her cat told

you this morning?

 

AUNT DANICE

Yes actually she did. A Persian, pampered but

a great mouser when she is allowed out. I hope

that was not a guess on your part but a back cast.

 

JORDAN

You know I back casted a little. Why do you

ask questions to which you know the answers.

 

AUNT DANICE

To keep conversation interesting besides you

can’t send thoughts clearly, yet.

 

JORDAN

So you know what I am thinking?

 

AUNT DANICE

Actually no. I can guess. Reading minds

becomes boring after a while even if you can

do it. Besides talking to you and coaching while

it is slower is harder and therefore more rewarding

in some ways. It gives us both time to think

before opening our minds and mouths.

I think you want to know about what

that Ogre said.

 

JORDAN

Yes.

 

AUNT DANICE

Well what did he say? I guess he said a lot.

They do love to talk.

OGRE

Children are the best. They are innocent before you

ruin them with you rules, your ‘culture’! They are

the tastiest! (He laughs menacingly). Then it’s the old

surprisingly, they have the honesty of youth but with

the wisdom of age. They know which of society’s rules

are good and which are just bullshit! They can tell you

if what you doing is just stupid, dangerous, or ruinous.

A horny lot too! But, you never know not here, not like

the old days.

 

A heavy forearm emerges from the folds of the coat and thick brick like fingers stir the pot. He takes as second serving spoon but in his hands it’s the size of a teaspoon and pours the broth from the ladle into the serving spoon. He sips it and through the darkness nods approvingly. He tends the fire in the fireplace with a vintage and ornate iron poker. The flames roar approvingly.

 

ORGE

I hate it when those filthy TV chefs taste directly from the

The ladle they will serve you with! Disgusting! This

however might be my best broth in a while. (He shakes in a large cylindrical

packet of salt into the cauldron)

Now where was I?

 

WITCH

You were talking about the old…

 

OGRE

Ah yes. Don’t bother struggling that chain was forged

from the same shooting star that gave the world

the sword you know as Excalibur! That is old magic!

Why do they send them so young to meet their end? Let me

guess some strange old man or woman which was it?

 

WITCH

A ..woman.

 

OGRE

Ah the question in your tone tells me it must be

An Obfuscate, sometimes looking like a man, other

times like a woman? (He laughs)

Ah they bring them young to die. Usually around

Puberty or young adulthood; you were a bit of an

outcast and this ‘woman’ told you, you had a special

destiny right? You are go to on a quest and recover

some magical objects right? You want this right?

 

He holds out an old battle axe with markings reeking, age, high learning, mystery and culture.

 

OGRE

This is from the jaw bone of an animal now extinct.

This edge is not gold it’s a metal that found nowhere

Except the little valley in the

Congo; where I killed the miner, oh five thousand

years ago… It can cut anything! I don’t even

remember the name of it now.

 

The Ogre leans forward into the light and we can see he has a thick browridge, deep intense eyes a broad nose, and a projecting chin. He is heavily built like an old time strong man from faded pictures from the early 20th century. His muscles do work, they are not for show. Where it not for the modern rags he wore he would look like an archaic homo sapien or a Neanderthal from a display at the Museum of Natural History.

The witch gasps.

 

OGRE

Yes. How old did you think we are? You have

no idea who you are fucking with.

 

Now his shape changes and he enlarges and the loose rags become tight fitting and his face takes on a demonic simian mien. His shadow now dominates the hotel room. His voice takes on an accent she has never heard before.

 

OGRE

We have been here since the world was sung

into existence! Since the Spirit walked over

the Earth and made it so! Since your Sky Father chose

you and your pathetic naked ape kind to rule!

Since you started to infect this place and shit on

everything! (Spittle flies from his mouth)

 

He collects himself and returns to his Neanderthal form breathing heavily!

 

WITCH

I had no idea (She starts to cry). I am sorry

but you killed those girls!

 

OGRE

So what! Where you going to take them into

you home? Were you going to wait while they

detoxed, for the ninth, tenth, eleventh time!

Were you going to out your fathers and brothers

who got their rocks of the backseat of your “SUVs”

with a drug addled teenager from up north! No!

You hypocrites! In the old days these things never

would have happened! Everybody knew everyone’s

business for good or ill! Do you know how many

of your filthy boy lovers and pederasts I have

stewed in my time? I was doing you a favour! Now

this Obfuscate comes to end me with you? A teenage witch!

 

WITCH

Tabitha was eleven and she was a kid! You killed

her!

 

OGRE

I told you children are the best; then old people,

then youth and finally the regular people. I can

Taste their jobs on their flesh; amourer, blacksmith

whore, milkmaid, carpenter, seamstress, millwright,

plumber, Head shop owner, shaman, priest, monk, imam,

Sheppard, goatherd, pilot, musician, troubadours, model

not much mean on them these days. Actors, milliners

haberdasheries, peace officers, knights, pages,

senators, gladiators, pyramid builders and worst of

all politicians, well the bad ones anyways!

And now you!

 

He suddenly grabs her by the throat and his meaty hand covers her mouth! The force nearly knocks her over!

 

ORGE

Don’t whisper in my presence! If you do it again

I will sew your mouth shut!

 

She nods. He sets her down.

 

OGRE

Time will come soon enough for you to die.

It doesn’t have to be too painful! Why oh

Why do they send you her. The Wizards and

Witches, Seers and Dabblers? I’ll tell you why

Because they are afraid! They cannot contain the

Magic they know. At some point the good ones

get to be too strong for their own good. Why does

your Obfuscate wear so many belts and bracelets?

To contain the power! Same as your wedding rings

Its supposed to keep the love encircled. Love is

more powerful than you can imagine. Wait

why are you wearing a belt!

 

Suddenly the Ogre leaps forward just as the belt from the witches’ waist leaps forward in the form of a snake. With his mighty axe he tries to slice the snake but misses. The snake now ramrod straight bites him in the eye!

 

The Ogre lets out a mighty yell and he rips out the snake taking his eye with it! He tosses the snake on the ground and slices it with the battle axe. The room of the actually shakes and sends up a puffs of dust from the furniture draped in a muddy grey covered cloths. The chair bound witch falls over.

 

ORGE

You wench I will eat you alive! You will

take days to die!

 

The Witch whispers, quickly and intently as the Ogre looms over her. She is looking at the fire.

 

OGRE

Heads or tails?(ha-ha)

 

He brings the axe over head and makes to cut her waist. Suddenly a red hot poker pierces the Ogre’s chest! Red, almost purple blood spouts out of the wound and spills on the floor; rotting the wood. He looks incredulously at the young Witch.

 

WITCH

I prefer poker!

 

OGRE

Ha, ha, very funny….

 

He falls over and dies his body weight cracking the floor boards.

The witch breaths a sign or relief, and whispers a spell to undo the chains. It doesn’t work.

 

AUNT DANICE

Perhaps this key will work.

 

The witch looks to and sees the Obfuscate, looking approvingly at her. She European woman, she still has the look of vitality and you get the sense she likes herself still. Despite the hour she has her makeup on and her long grey hair combed neatly and held back by a headband. Her sweater top dark blouse and pencil skirt are accented by several silver and gold rings and she wear two belts at jaunty angles.

The young witch is glad to see hear.

 

 

INT. TOM SUTTON’S COFFEE SHOP-NIGHT

The franchise coffee shop is decorated in a mildly inoffensive brown and cream colour scheme. The waitresses behind the counter, four of them; women, range the gamut from an eager teenager, to a single mother weathered by cigarettes an disappointments, a sedate university student, with a well worn copy of the latest Twilight book in her back pocket and the middle aged assistant manager who looks like everyone’s mom and no ones at the same time.

There is a glut of young clientele right now undoubtedly killing time until the late show across the parking lot begins.

 

AUNT DANICE

Boy I love the rhubarb pie here. Of course I knew

the original baker of the pie…

 

YOUNG WITCH (Interrupting)

Let me guess, with the Flintstones or was it with

Cleopatra’s chef’s cousin!

 

AUNT DANICE

Sarcasm is the last refuge of a weak mind.

 

YOUNG WITCH

Then pass me the dunce cap.

 

AUNT DANNICE

Clever, most people these days don’t know what

that is. What is it? The Ogre?

 

YOUNG WITCH

Yah think?

 

AUNT DANICE

Listen child! I am not your weakling mother!

You will speak to me with respect! Don’t make

me take off my rings because then I will bring the

the pain! Hear me!

 

Here eyes flash with anger and a stern malevolence, like teacher who has had enough from an unruly class.

 

YOUNG WITCH

Yes.

 

AUNT DANICE

Now there are two types of respect; the type that

is given because someone is older or more experienced

and the type you earn through acts that merit

respect. I would like to think I have earned

both from you. I respect you so please respect

me, Jordan. Is that fair Miss Bonkhe?

 

JORDAN BONKHE/YOUNG WITCH

Yes. Aunt Danice.

 

AUNT DANICE

Now have your Tom Poms and I promise by the last

one you will feel great!

 

Jordan looks down at the box full of ball shaped donuts between them. Cheerleaders with confectionary shaped pompoms cheer on the football player Tom Sutton in an idealized portrait from his playing days. She takes one of the raisin encrusted ones and chases it with chai.

 

JORDAN BONKHE

Like Jack Burton and Wang Chi great?

 

AUNT DANICE

Well yes but probably more like Wang Chi.

 

EXT/INT. TOM SUTTON COFEE SHOP-NIGHT

The youthful patrons have emptied the Coffee shop by now. The eager teen waitress is chatting with the young mother by the take out window. The university student is manning the till while sneaking looks at latest page of her book. The Assistant manager is making her rounds clearing the tables of old newspapers and crockery.

 

AUNT DANICE

Look at the sign?

 

The witch turns to see a help wanted sign. It reads: Needed Servers for Night shift. Ask for applications at the front counter.

 

JORDAN

Yeah what’s wrong with it?

 

AUNT DANICE

A server? What is that? I mean do they serve a cause

or do they clean Apollo’s stables? Do they attend

the Queen of Lapta or Kings of Torumekia? That is the

problem with language today; no precision. What is

wrong with waitress?

 

JORDAN

I guess they don’t want to offend anyone, you know.

 

AUNT DANICE

The thing is no I don’t know. Why is a manhunt

okay but chairwoman is verboten? Miss is okay

but somehow Mrs. is bad these days. Last time

I checked most men cowered before their wives

I should know I have been both!

 

JORDAN

Wow that was really too much information.

Well everybody has to be included you know.

Everyone is special.

 

AUNT DANICE

Ha! You mean girls like your nemesis Cathy

Cirko. You should have seen her ancestor.

Cir means boil in Croatian! She was hideous.

 

JORDAN

Yeah but I can’t say ‘oh yeah at least my name

doesn’t mean boil in Croatian!’ She’d say

Thanks “Dickipedia nerd!’ I mean ‘Cirko the

Jerko?’ That kind of roles off the tongue

but she’s “perfect” have you seen her?

Of course you have.

 

AUNT DANICE

Actually she is not ‘perfect’, her cousin who lives with

her family and is in the seminary lusts after her.

Oh, she drops E occasionally when she goes

clubbing. If she doesn’t get help soon it she could

end up being a crack whore in the future.

Literally.

 

JORDAN

How did you know? Let me guess her cat told

you this morning?

 

AUNT DANICE

Yes actually she did. A Persian, pampered but

a great mouser when she is allowed out. I hope

that was not a guess on your part but a back cast.

 

JORDAN

You know I back casted a little. Why do you

ask questions to which you know the answers.

 

AUNT DANICE

To keep conversation interesting besides you

can’t send thoughts clearly, yet.

 

JORDAN

So you know what I am thinking?

 

AUNT DANICE

Actually no. I can guess. Reading minds

becomes boring after a while even if you can

do it. Besides talking to you and coaching while

it is slower is harder and therefore more rewarding

in some ways. It gives us both time to think

before opening our minds and mouths.

I think you want to know about what

that Ogre said.

 

JORDAN

Yes.

 

AUNT DANICE

Well what did he say? I guess he said a lot.

They do love to talk.

 

*    *    *    *    *

For More from  ” A WITCH LIKE ME” and P.M. Kumalo, KEEP WATCHING THE BOLD PIGEON. http://www.boldPIGEON.com

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